Catching Up

Hey everyone!

I've been in Baltimore for a good 2 1/2 weeks now, and even though I have had a lot of free time, I still feel like my life is hectic. We're still in the "settling in and figuring it out" stage. I've wanted and needed to blog in order to get my thoughts together. Before I get into talking about all of my experiences in Baltimore, though, I want to return to LVC orientation. It was a truly exhausting 4 days of meeting people, having deep conversations with strangers, undergoing anti-racism training, attending lectures, and discussing business with housemates. I really pushed myself to the limits of my sanity trying to stay up until 2 AM and then getting up at 6:30 or 7 AM every morning.

In a previous blog post written on one of my orientation nights, I wrote about heterosexism in America. This post was mostly a response to one of the talks we attended, which was led by my very awesome regional director, about sexism and heterosexism. Her talk made a huge impact on me. At one point, she said the following:

I am a bisexual. I am also a Catholic. I quite enjoy Mass every weekend. A lot of people don't understand why I would stay in a church that wants to deny gay people the right to marry the person they love. But here's the thing: I grew up Catholic. This is my community. Mine. My own. I am not going to let them PUSH ME OUT just because I am different. I wrote a letter to the Pope the other day asking him to reconsider the church's stance on gay marriage. All my friends are like, "He's never going to respond!" Hahaha. 

It may have been just an anecdote to her, but this way of looking at things had never occurred to me before. I, too, grew up a Catholic, but I began to be disillusioned with Catholicism as I grew older. I fundamentally oppose much of Catholic doctrine. I don't agree with the church's stance on gay marriage, birth control, sex before marriage, divorce, the fact that women can't be priests (which I take to be sexist), and a few of their other attitudes/ teachings as well. I always said to myself, "Why would I stay in the Catholic church if I don't agree with it 100%?" I always believed that staying in the church would mark me as a person who owned all of those beliefs, and I didn't want to give others the wrong impression about what I believed. But my regional director's talk gave me a whole new perspective. Her idea makes so much sense. After all, if everyone who disagrees with Catholic teachings leaves the church, it will never change. What the Church needs are members who will strive to reform it from the inside out--who will challenge it from within. After all, why would church leaders feel compelled to listen to "sinners" or "heretics" from "over there"? Why would the church listen to "those gay people" or "those feminists" or "those prostitutes"? The church needs to recognize that it is isolating and ostracizing many of its OWN...many who would love to be a part of its celebrations and draw strength from Jesus' teachings. It is pushing away many young minds who could contribute to its congregations and make it stronger.

Anyway, I thought about it for a while, and I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if I considered it to be "my community" (and thus felt like I was being pushed out of my community). But at this point, I don't really feel any strong connections with any parish or any parishioners. As such, I am going to use this year to try to find a faith or a faith community or a regular spiritual practice that suits me well. So far I have discussed spirituality with my housemates in our "spirituality nook" and have attended a Unitarian/Universalist church service. I intend to explore spirituality/faith/religion a lot more this year. But props to my regional director for her excellent perspective. It answered a question I have had for a long time, and it certainly gave me something to chew on.

I'll probably be writing a couple more blog posts in the upcoming week. Until then, let's drink to new perspectives with the famous beer of Baltimore, "National Bohemian" (Natty Boh)!

Love you all,
Margaret

Follow my Journey in LVC/ Heterosexism in America

Welcome to the beginning of my blogging about my experiences in the Lutheran Volunteer Corps! I'm very excited to share my journey with all of you. 

Tonight is the last night of orientation in Minnesota, and I move to Baltimore tomorrow. I'm extremely tired and cannot commit to an entirely original reflection. But I have to get this out. LVC has so far encouraged me to consider the deep injustices faced by the LGBTQQIA community. The conversations surrounding this topic have deeply moved me. 

To all of my gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, and/or asexual friends who have suffered from discrimination and social injustice because of how you feel or who you love, I am so incredibly sorry and want you to know that you have my support to be the way you were born.

Here are some of the advantages heterosexual people enjoy in modern American society: 

• Heterosexuals do not have to worry about having that "conversation" with their parents, siblings, friends, etc. about who they are sexually attracted to, nor do they have to worry that such a conversation may potentially disrupt their relationships with those closest to them. 
• Heterosexuals have the freedom to legally marry the person they love in any American state.
• Heterosexuals need not avoid PDA, such as holding hands with a lover in public, for fear that someone will find their behavior morally reprehensible, sinful, or repulsive. 
• Heterosexuals in all states do not have to worry that they might be fired by their employer because their sexuality goes against their employer's religious beliefs. 
• Heterosexuals don't have to worry about being deemed unfit to raise children based on their sexual orientation.  
• Heterosexuals are not accused of "recruiting" others to join their sexual orientation. 
• Heterosexuals do not have to justify their sexuality to people of a different sexual orientation, nor are they called upon to explain what they think has caused them to be heterosexual. 
• Heterosexuals are not frequently asked when and how they first decided that they are heterosexual.
• The sexuality of heterosexuals is not often suspected to be a "phase." 
• Heterosexuals are most frequently seen as people first and sexual beings second. 

To my LGBTQQIA friends and followers, please know that, in the words of my Regional Director, Sue Ryan, "YOU ARE LOVE!" Know that you are okay the way you are and that you are not doing anything WRONG! Believe that our generation has the power to change the hateful conditions of heterosexism in America. 

I will be blogging more about this topic, but in the meantime, I want to share this beautiful poem with all of you: 

Wild Geese

by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

The Labyrinth Tree

(I wrote this piece in high school after my religion class took a field trip to a labyrinth. It was basically just a path that wound around and around, forming a circle. White rocks outlined the path. In the center of the circle stood a majestic tree. We spent our field trip meditating and walking the labyrinth. You couldn't tell where you were going to end up next inside of that maze, but everyone finished at the center under the tree.)

The Labyrinth Tree, or Do Not Despair 

Baby, let me tell you something. Shh now, baby, stop your crying. Come here and let me tell you something. Never despair. You are in a labyrinth. You have been walking on a path your entire life, and in the center of that labyrinth is a golden tree. It’s your life purpose, it’s your dream, it’s your heart’s fulfillment. In the center stands a golden tree, and your whole life you have been walking on a path that will lead to that golden tree. 

You have previously come to a point in that path where you are right up next to that golden tree, and you can see your life purpose clearly. You are right next to your life purpose, so close to it that you can taste it and you can see it and you know for sure you will reach it, and you are filled with self-confidence that no one can take away. But you are in a labyrinth, and the path stretches on in front of you, and you must walk forward, you must take a step forward. 

But now the steps you take are leading you farther away from that tree. You are walking forward, but you are moving to the outer perimeters of the labyrinth. Presently you are in a place where you are so far away from that tree in the center that you cannot even distinguish it at all anymore. You have no idea what your life purpose is, you cannot ever hope to fulfill it, you are filled with self-loathing and doubt and you are so entirely lost. Your whole world has no object, it has no point, it has no center. You have no center in sight. 

But baby, it is times like these when you must be aware of the logic of labyrinths. You are always walking forward, never backward. You are always walking forward. There is nothing to do when you are on the outer perimeters of the labyrinth other than to walk forward, to take a step forward on the path. Look ahead in the distance. There it is again, there is a point in the path that is closer to the tree. Soon you will reach a point in the path that is closer to the tree, and you will be able to see your life purpose again, and you will be able to taste your glorious destiny. 

And maybe there is a point ahead of that where you will not be able to see the center again. And what of it? You are always walking forward. You are never utterly lost because you are always walking forward on a simple path. You cannot walk astray; even someone as seemingly lost as you cannot stray from the path of life while there is still breath in your lungs. 

Someday you will reach that tree. Someday you will reach that tree and climb it. You will look down upon your former wanderings and smile. Do not despair. Never despair. 

The Strange Root Still Alive Under the Snow

(Song that would be good to listen to while reading this blog post: "Daydreamin'" by Lupe Fiasco)

Have you ever experienced a class or club discussion where everyone is talking excitedly around you about a topic you're really passionate about? Your head is just spinning with ideas, and you're trying to think of how you can put them together into coherent sentences to share with the group. But then, just as you're about to open your mouth, that chick with the awesome shoes and badass nose piercing opens her mouth and out comes the most riveting thought expressed in the most eloquent sentence you've ever heard in your life. And then, that guy with the indie band t-shirt counters that thought with an impossibly intelligent point...spot on. Pretty soon, everyone is talking about things you haven't even encountered in any of the articles you've read. Your eyes dart from person to person. How'd he know that? ... Wait, does she know that too? ... Do they ALL know that?

Why don't I know that?

This has been happening to me a lot lately. I feel like an idiot for not even being able to spew off facts and statistics about the area of my interest. I've been taking health classes for how long now, and English majors are still contributing more to health discussions than I am??? I started to feel really dumb and inadequate (not to mention highly unprepared for any sort of future career)...until yesterday.

Yesterday, I had one of those conversations with a close friend that made me feel better. I don't say this because of its content (although its content did make me feel better); I say this because of the intrinsic nature of the conversation. I felt like an intelligent human being again. I was able to talk excitedly about things I am passionate about, and I was able to express my ideas eloquently. I knew my shit. I was spot on. I was golden. Basically, I felt like I was finally able to be myself at my best.

And I realized something that is bigger than any of this. I realized that I need to appreciate that life has its ups and its downs. We all have our good days and our bad days. My friend Erin would say to think of the S curve. We may improve for a while or be on top of the world, but we are most likely going to fall down again. Its okay, though, because we will rise back up. That's the logic of the "S." I need to trust myself on those days when I feel like I don't know anything in the entire world, because that's not true. My brain is just muddled...clouded or distracted by other things.

On a related note, I love the idea that life is cyclical. The dark is so much scarier if we think of it as being eternal. We need not do so. Here is one of my favorite poems that I think really expresses this idea:

"If I Can Let You Go..." By May Sarton

If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strange root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure--if I can let you go.

I love that..."the strange root still alive under the snow." It's one of the most beautiful things about life, if you really think about it. It's like why you should never be too surprised when an elderly woman with Alzheimer's suddenly remembers the names of her family members. It's why you should never be too taken aback when that mentally retarded man who can't even hold a job can nonetheless list all of the highway exits on an interstate that runs for hundreds of miles. The potential within each of us is infinite. Even when we feel dumb as a rock... It's just an illusion. We are brilliant.

Isn't that just wonderful to hear? Drink with me if you agree!

Margaret

Hold the Wheel

So a couple days ago, I was walking this dog at the humane society and the song "Drive" by Incubus came on my ipod. I have loved this song ever since some guys in my grade school class played it at our 8th grade talent show, but I have never really stopped to consider what it might be about. I believe that songs hold special meanings for each of us, and there are a million different acceptable interpretations of any given song lyrics. But in light of where I am in my life right now (someplace super uncertain and relatively scary), I really connected to this song. I looked down at the dog and I was like, "Dude. You have got to hear this song." The dog was not half as impressed as I felt she should be. 


"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there"
---------------------
Beautiful, mellow 90's song. 


I am so excited at the thought that no matter how uncertain my career path is right now, no matter how scary it is for me to be single for a while, no matter where I may end up tomorrow...I can be the one in control of my life. And don't get me wrong, because there are a lot of things I can't control. For example, I can't control how my family is going to react to me feeling that it just may be my passion to ship off to Africa. ;) I can't control who I run into by chance, and I can't control whether or not the internships I apply to select me. BUT, I CAN control how I react to my grandma's worrying and my mom's hesitancy. I CAN control how much I push myself to join clubs, to go out even when I feel like being a loner, to smile...to keep fighting even if internships don't prove promising initially. It's my attitude that is going to make all the difference. 


So to everyone out there who feels like her life is out of her hands, don't fool yourself. It's simply not. I want to challenge you to "hold the wheel and drive" and embrace whatever tomorrow brings with "open arms and open eyes." It's gonna be SO worth it :) Promise. I'll even drink to it (as long as you drink with me). It's gonna have to be sparkling grape juice tho, cause I just gave blood today. Safety first! HA


Margaret

No Rush

(Song that would go well playing in the background of this post: "The Dress Looks Nice On You" by Sufjan Stevens.)

I'm starting to realize that a lot of these posts are not going to be life-changing revelations. (Yeah, you didn't know I thought so highly of myself, did you ;)?) But really, a lot of the things that I feel like writing are things that I already know somewhere inside of me (and perhaps, so do you) but that I am going to post anyway because I feel like we could all use a little reminder sometimes.

For instance: Recently I have been feeling super weak and emotionally challenged simply because it seems like it is taking me so long to get over the pain of my breakup (especially because he seems to be coping just swimmingly). But today, a friend helped me realize that I am only contributing to my pain by getting frustrated with myself for "taking too long to heal." That's just silly. And it makes sense...I mean, why should we put a time limit on healing? After all, we don't put a time limit on joy, and they are both just natural processes of life.

Perhaps my other good friend said it best in a text message she sent me a couple nights ago:
"Let things suck. If you're sad about something or if something is hard for you, let it be hard. Write, journal, talk, drink, do yoga, take up art therapy, do whatever the fuck you do to make things suck a little less and you do it all the time. You'll start to figure out why things suck, and even if you can't, you'll find your own kind of peace with things. And the happy you feel when you do that is unlike any kind of happy I could ever describe. Literally ever. And I wish that for you very, very soon."

Incidentally, I have amazing, amazing friends.

But yes. I believe it is of utmost importance to give yourself time to grieve...ample time. Days of time if it's enough, but if it's not, then weeks of time. Months of time. Years of time. Who cares? Thinking you're messed up for feeling sad is only going to make things worse. Everyone gets over things at his or her own rate, and that's okay. That said, I do agree that it's important to actively play a role in your own recovery by doing things that you know will make you feel slightly better. I find that wallowing in grief is less than productive and quite frequently leads to feeling like a pile of horse shit. Distinctly unpleasant.

Personally, I am confident that I am on my way to finding my own kind of peace with things. In fact, I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow in this way-- a challenge I know I would have never put myself up to were I anything but single right now. Being single is forcing me to rely on myself for my own comfort, strength, and happiness, and that ability is valuable beyond measure. Hopefully the peace I find will be something that sticks with me through good times and bad...for what is it ultimately but peace with myself? My raw, vulnerable self.

As always, I'm excited for the journey, and I'm thankful that you're taking it with me. I'll drink to that (ALL I CAN DRINK THURSDAY!)....as long as you'll drink with me.

Margaret

Hands

(Song that would be good to listen to while reading this blog post: "Hands," by Jewel.)


This is one of my favorite song messages in the whole world. It's so optimistic and it speaks to me about the power each one of us has within ourselves to withstand all the challenges that come our way. 

"Hands" by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these


I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear


My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken


Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after


We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing


My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken


In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters


I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray


My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken


We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands