Hold the Wheel

So a couple days ago, I was walking this dog at the humane society and the song "Drive" by Incubus came on my ipod. I have loved this song ever since some guys in my grade school class played it at our 8th grade talent show, but I have never really stopped to consider what it might be about. I believe that songs hold special meanings for each of us, and there are a million different acceptable interpretations of any given song lyrics. But in light of where I am in my life right now (someplace super uncertain and relatively scary), I really connected to this song. I looked down at the dog and I was like, "Dude. You have got to hear this song." The dog was not half as impressed as I felt she should be. 


"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there"
---------------------
Beautiful, mellow 90's song. 


I am so excited at the thought that no matter how uncertain my career path is right now, no matter how scary it is for me to be single for a while, no matter where I may end up tomorrow...I can be the one in control of my life. And don't get me wrong, because there are a lot of things I can't control. For example, I can't control how my family is going to react to me feeling that it just may be my passion to ship off to Africa. ;) I can't control who I run into by chance, and I can't control whether or not the internships I apply to select me. BUT, I CAN control how I react to my grandma's worrying and my mom's hesitancy. I CAN control how much I push myself to join clubs, to go out even when I feel like being a loner, to smile...to keep fighting even if internships don't prove promising initially. It's my attitude that is going to make all the difference. 


So to everyone out there who feels like her life is out of her hands, don't fool yourself. It's simply not. I want to challenge you to "hold the wheel and drive" and embrace whatever tomorrow brings with "open arms and open eyes." It's gonna be SO worth it :) Promise. I'll even drink to it (as long as you drink with me). It's gonna have to be sparkling grape juice tho, cause I just gave blood today. Safety first! HA


Margaret

No Rush

(Song that would go well playing in the background of this post: "The Dress Looks Nice On You" by Sufjan Stevens.)

I'm starting to realize that a lot of these posts are not going to be life-changing revelations. (Yeah, you didn't know I thought so highly of myself, did you ;)?) But really, a lot of the things that I feel like writing are things that I already know somewhere inside of me (and perhaps, so do you) but that I am going to post anyway because I feel like we could all use a little reminder sometimes.

For instance: Recently I have been feeling super weak and emotionally challenged simply because it seems like it is taking me so long to get over the pain of my breakup (especially because he seems to be coping just swimmingly). But today, a friend helped me realize that I am only contributing to my pain by getting frustrated with myself for "taking too long to heal." That's just silly. And it makes sense...I mean, why should we put a time limit on healing? After all, we don't put a time limit on joy, and they are both just natural processes of life.

Perhaps my other good friend said it best in a text message she sent me a couple nights ago:
"Let things suck. If you're sad about something or if something is hard for you, let it be hard. Write, journal, talk, drink, do yoga, take up art therapy, do whatever the fuck you do to make things suck a little less and you do it all the time. You'll start to figure out why things suck, and even if you can't, you'll find your own kind of peace with things. And the happy you feel when you do that is unlike any kind of happy I could ever describe. Literally ever. And I wish that for you very, very soon."

Incidentally, I have amazing, amazing friends.

But yes. I believe it is of utmost importance to give yourself time to grieve...ample time. Days of time if it's enough, but if it's not, then weeks of time. Months of time. Years of time. Who cares? Thinking you're messed up for feeling sad is only going to make things worse. Everyone gets over things at his or her own rate, and that's okay. That said, I do agree that it's important to actively play a role in your own recovery by doing things that you know will make you feel slightly better. I find that wallowing in grief is less than productive and quite frequently leads to feeling like a pile of horse shit. Distinctly unpleasant.

Personally, I am confident that I am on my way to finding my own kind of peace with things. In fact, I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow in this way-- a challenge I know I would have never put myself up to were I anything but single right now. Being single is forcing me to rely on myself for my own comfort, strength, and happiness, and that ability is valuable beyond measure. Hopefully the peace I find will be something that sticks with me through good times and bad...for what is it ultimately but peace with myself? My raw, vulnerable self.

As always, I'm excited for the journey, and I'm thankful that you're taking it with me. I'll drink to that (ALL I CAN DRINK THURSDAY!)....as long as you'll drink with me.

Margaret

Hands

(Song that would be good to listen to while reading this blog post: "Hands," by Jewel.)


This is one of my favorite song messages in the whole world. It's so optimistic and it speaks to me about the power each one of us has within ourselves to withstand all the challenges that come our way. 

"Hands" by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these


I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear


My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken


Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after


We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing


My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken


In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters


I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray


My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken


We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands 

The truth hurts (but so does a fabricated life)

(Song that would go well playing in the background of this blog post: "Shine," by Alexi Murdoch.)


"In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves." -Buddha


Okay, I know what you're thinking..."Did this girl really just quote the Buddha? How cliche." Well, yes, yes I did. Because I think the Buddha has a legit point here, and maybe (just maybe) I can tie it in somewhere in this blog post. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about an event that happened about a week and a half ago; namely, my ex-boyfriend and I had our first legitimate in-person conversation since July. I had been doing emotionally well beforehand, and I thought I was on pretty stable ground. In fact, I was quite proud of myself for how far I had come emotionally since the breakup. My mind had made giant leaps (that is, I understood logically why we probably aren't right for each other) and my heart was hobbling after it on crutches, as it does, but had still made impressive mileage. That's why it came as a giant surprise to me when our conversation was such a setback for me. Even though a lot of the things he was telling me were theoretically good to hear (such as that he never cheated on me with his current girlfriend), they just made me so upset. 

This is what I have come to realize. Think of all the little lies we tell ourselves every day, just to make ourselves feel better. I can't tell you how many girls have sworn off their ex-boyfriends as heartless assholes, just because it's easier. "That's it, I'm done, he's ridiculous, and I will never speak to him again." And plenty of people (very well-intentioned people, mind you) have tried to help me with my breakup in this exact way. They have tried to convince me that he cheated on me with his current girlfriend, because it only makes sense in their minds. They have tried to make me feel better by telling me that his girlfriend probably sucks or that she is obviously a bitch for dating him so soon after we broke up. Sure, I believed them for a while because they were much easier to believe than the truth. But none of those things ever made me feel better for long. Probs cause anger only distorts the truth and serves as a temporary oasis.

What I discovered after talking to my ex that night is that I have been sustaining myself with little lies...lies I don't even notice...that have made my heart feel less heavy. But what I want now is to fully embrace the truth, even if it hurts right now, because it will be less painful for me in the end. I don't want to be one of those girls who swears off her ex-boyfriend, because I was fully in love with my ex-boyfriend. That relationship was such a huge part of my life for such a long time, and truly I am changed forever because of it. In the end, believing that it was all a big lie is only invalidating my former feelings. It is only invalidating, quite literally, the person who I am today. 

So tonight, I am going to state the truth and try so hard to believe it:

The truth is, he is a really great person. He's just genuinely a good-hearted guy. 

He never cheated on me, because he would never do something like that. 

The truth is, she never meant to hurt me. She cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy.

The truth is, he broke up with me because our relationship got stagnant, and he was afraid that it would stay like that forever, and he couldn't live like that. 

We aren't fundamentally incompatible people. After all, we were in love with each other. We had some truly beautiful experiences together. Maybe it would have worked if we would have kept trying, but it doesn't matter.

Because the truth is, she and he are a great match. They really are. 

The truth is, they may be a better match than we were. That doesn't mean she's better than me. It just doesn't. 

The cool thing about the truth is that my perception of it is always changing as I sort things out with my ex...as I read a cool poem...as I have that life chat with a friend. The truth is never stagnant for those who keep an open mind, I don't think. But those lies we tell ourselves? Those lies are never going to change. He's always going to be a huge prick if you want him to be. You're always going to hate him if the last chance you gave him was yesterday. And along with those lies, if you choose to believe them, you are going to stay stagnant too. You are not going to grow. 

Phew, I feel like I just wrote a sermon. That feeling needs to not happen anymore. Well, here's one sure-fire way to dispel the formal atmosphere...*prepares pretend glasses*...TO THE TRUTH! Cause I'll ALWAYS drink to that. (As long as you'll drink with me.)

Margaret

Post Breakup, Pre Breakdown

(Song that would go well playing in the background of this blog post: "Knife" by Grizzly Bear.)

My life used to be a stack of orderly papers, taller than me, sitting on a desk. And a couple of weeks ago, I metaphorically burst into my office and pushed my entire life off of the desk. Then I snatched papers off the ground in fistfuls and threw them all up in the air and laughed like a wild maniac and jumped up and down as they came fluttering down all around me. I lay there for a while in that unholy pile, waiting for my crazy laughter to subside. When it did, I stood up, brushed myself off, and let the door close behind me with a click. Everything changed but nobody noticed.

And that's sort of how I feel today. A year ago today, my whole life was planned out. The boy I loved was writing me love letters. I was going to be an occupational therapist and help disabled kids, and I was going to make pretty good money doing it. My life was going to be so damn satisfying. But in the middle of last May, in the middle of South Africa, my best friend broke my heart in entirely unpredictable ways. In the middle of a speech delivered by my academic advisor in this unfortunate class I'm taking this semester (ironically called Seminar in Graduate Admissions), I decided to ditch graduate school and occupational therapy. 

I will never forget the conversation that sealed the deal on that last one because my academic advisor gained so much of my respect. I basically walked into his office one day and sank into a chair and rambled and rambled. Like, what was I supposed to say? "Oh, so you know how we talked about me going to graduate school next year and having a solid future?...Well, umm, that speech you gave in class yesterday really got me to thinking....and what if I just, like, abandoned all logic and certainty and.....well.....just didn't quite go?" Much to my surprise, my advisor's response was this: "You probably don't wanna talk to me about this, cause I'm probably not going to tell you what I should tell you." And then he launched into this whole inspiring life talk involving his love of fishing and the ocean and California. "Now don't get me wrong," he said, "because I love my job and I think it's important. I love talking to brilliant young college students with bright futures ahead of them like you..." (Bonus points, academic advisor. Bonus points.) "...But if I had to live my entire life over again, would I be the head of this department? No. I don't even really care about the subject matter, to be honest. I would be out on the coast teaching little kids about marine conservation. I would be out living my passion." 

Well, hot damn. When I left his office that day, my smile was so so wide. It somehow felt good to say out loud that I was not going to become an occupational therapist, and that is how I know I made the right decision. As I skipped home that evening, stopping only to pick flowers and help old ladies cross the street, I realized that I had been trying so hard, all this time, to convince myself that occupational therapy was right for me that it had actually worked for two years. (Incidentally, now how's that for a personal statement booster? "I am so persuasive that I can convince MYSELF of a complete lie for two whole years." Impressive.) For whatever reason, something moved inside of me...something intervened in my life and gave me the courage to accept that my life's passion is not OT. In addition, I somehow had the strength to believe that my passion, though it is really fucking unclear right now and will undoubtedly earn me less money and quite possibly turn me into a homeless person, is worth pursuing. A motif popped into my head on that day and the motif is this: 

NEVER trade passion for security. 

It was a motif so splendid, I just knew that Erin Medin would write it on her cute little framed squares of scrapbooking paper hanging on her wall, reserved for splendid motifs.

So this is a blog celebrating my life after the catalyst that started all these crazy revelations and life changes and uncertainty: my breakup. It sucked real hard, and it still sucks, but I have grown so much in the days that followed and I would never trade the person I am now for the person I was then. This is a blog celebrating the new friends I made who helped me through that beastly event and the wonderful perspective they still contribute to my life. Incidentally, I do not believe that you came into my life in the way that you did by chance. This is a blog celebrating the friends and family I already loved, because you are the reason I have the courage to follow my passion in life. But most of all, this is a blog for recording and celebrating the revelations I continue to have about past occurrences, present struggles, and future direction in my life. Because it's all so beautiful. And I'll drink to that. (As long as you drink with me).

Margaret