The Strange Root Still Alive Under the Snow

(Song that would be good to listen to while reading this blog post: "Daydreamin'" by Lupe Fiasco)

Have you ever experienced a class or club discussion where everyone is talking excitedly around you about a topic you're really passionate about? Your head is just spinning with ideas, and you're trying to think of how you can put them together into coherent sentences to share with the group. But then, just as you're about to open your mouth, that chick with the awesome shoes and badass nose piercing opens her mouth and out comes the most riveting thought expressed in the most eloquent sentence you've ever heard in your life. And then, that guy with the indie band t-shirt counters that thought with an impossibly intelligent point...spot on. Pretty soon, everyone is talking about things you haven't even encountered in any of the articles you've read. Your eyes dart from person to person. How'd he know that? ... Wait, does she know that too? ... Do they ALL know that?

Why don't I know that?

This has been happening to me a lot lately. I feel like an idiot for not even being able to spew off facts and statistics about the area of my interest. I've been taking health classes for how long now, and English majors are still contributing more to health discussions than I am??? I started to feel really dumb and inadequate (not to mention highly unprepared for any sort of future career)...until yesterday.

Yesterday, I had one of those conversations with a close friend that made me feel better. I don't say this because of its content (although its content did make me feel better); I say this because of the intrinsic nature of the conversation. I felt like an intelligent human being again. I was able to talk excitedly about things I am passionate about, and I was able to express my ideas eloquently. I knew my shit. I was spot on. I was golden. Basically, I felt like I was finally able to be myself at my best.

And I realized something that is bigger than any of this. I realized that I need to appreciate that life has its ups and its downs. We all have our good days and our bad days. My friend Erin would say to think of the S curve. We may improve for a while or be on top of the world, but we are most likely going to fall down again. Its okay, though, because we will rise back up. That's the logic of the "S." I need to trust myself on those days when I feel like I don't know anything in the entire world, because that's not true. My brain is just muddled...clouded or distracted by other things.

On a related note, I love the idea that life is cyclical. The dark is so much scarier if we think of it as being eternal. We need not do so. Here is one of my favorite poems that I think really expresses this idea:

"If I Can Let You Go..." By May Sarton

If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strange root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure--if I can let you go.

I love that..."the strange root still alive under the snow." It's one of the most beautiful things about life, if you really think about it. It's like why you should never be too surprised when an elderly woman with Alzheimer's suddenly remembers the names of her family members. It's why you should never be too taken aback when that mentally retarded man who can't even hold a job can nonetheless list all of the highway exits on an interstate that runs for hundreds of miles. The potential within each of us is infinite. Even when we feel dumb as a rock... It's just an illusion. We are brilliant.

Isn't that just wonderful to hear? Drink with me if you agree!

Margaret