"In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves." -Buddha
Okay, I know what you're thinking..."Did this girl really just quote the Buddha? How cliche." Well, yes, yes I did. Because I think the Buddha has a legit point here, and maybe (just maybe) I can tie it in somewhere in this blog post.
I have been thinking a lot lately about an event that happened about a week and a half ago; namely, my ex-boyfriend and I had our first legitimate in-person conversation since July. I had been doing emotionally well beforehand, and I thought I was on pretty stable ground. In fact, I was quite proud of myself for how far I had come emotionally since the breakup. My mind had made giant leaps (that is, I understood logically why we probably aren't right for each other) and my heart was hobbling after it on crutches, as it does, but had still made impressive mileage. That's why it came as a giant surprise to me when our conversation was such a setback for me. Even though a lot of the things he was telling me were theoretically good to hear (such as that he never cheated on me with his current girlfriend), they just made me so upset.
This is what I have come to realize. Think of all the little lies we tell ourselves every day, just to make ourselves feel better. I can't tell you how many girls have sworn off their ex-boyfriends as heartless assholes, just because it's easier. "That's it, I'm done, he's ridiculous, and I will never speak to him again." And plenty of people (very well-intentioned people, mind you) have tried to help me with my breakup in this exact way. They have tried to convince me that he cheated on me with his current girlfriend, because it only makes sense in their minds. They have tried to make me feel better by telling me that his girlfriend probably sucks or that she is obviously a bitch for dating him so soon after we broke up. Sure, I believed them for a while because they were much easier to believe than the truth. But none of those things ever made me feel better for long. Probs cause anger only distorts the truth and serves as a temporary oasis.
What I discovered after talking to my ex that night is that I have been sustaining myself with little lies...lies I don't even notice...that have made my heart feel less heavy. But what I want now is to fully embrace the truth, even if it hurts right now, because it will be less painful for me in the end. I don't want to be one of those girls who swears off her ex-boyfriend, because I was fully in love with my ex-boyfriend. That relationship was such a huge part of my life for such a long time, and truly I am changed forever because of it. In the end, believing that it was all a big lie is only invalidating my former feelings. It is only invalidating, quite literally, the person who I am today.
So tonight, I am going to state the truth and try so hard to believe it:
The truth is, he is a really great person. He's just genuinely a good-hearted guy.
He never cheated on me, because he would never do something like that.
The truth is, she never meant to hurt me. She cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy.
The truth is, he broke up with me because our relationship got stagnant, and he was afraid that it would stay like that forever, and he couldn't live like that.
We aren't fundamentally incompatible people. After all, we were in love with each other. We had some truly beautiful experiences together. Maybe it would have worked if we would have kept trying, but it doesn't matter.
Because the truth is, she and he are a great match. They really are.
The truth is, they may be a better match than we were. That doesn't mean she's better than me. It just doesn't.
The cool thing about the truth is that my perception of it is always changing as I sort things out with my ex...as I read a cool poem...as I have that life chat with a friend. The truth is never stagnant for those who keep an open mind, I don't think. But those lies we tell ourselves? Those lies are never going to change. He's always going to be a huge prick if you want him to be. You're always going to hate him if the last chance you gave him was yesterday. And along with those lies, if you choose to believe them, you are going to stay stagnant too. You are not going to grow.
Phew, I feel like I just wrote a sermon. That feeling needs to not happen anymore. Well, here's one sure-fire way to dispel the formal atmosphere...*prepares pretend glasses*...TO THE TRUTH! Cause I'll ALWAYS drink to that. (As long as you'll drink with me.)
Margaret
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